I told my 13-year-old daughter that she should never start a fight, but has my permission to end it. She got suspended for ending a fight that some other girl picked with her by hitting her then retreating. How do I handle the school’s response?

After delivering all us kids to our homes and parking the bus - rare case at the time, he parked it in his driveway overnight during the school year - he paid mom a visit. “Your daughter punched xxx” “no I didn't, I pinched him!” To which my mom said to me, “shut up, I'm listening to him. And don't lie.” I told her again that I never punched xxx, that I did pinch him, and she should talk to xxx himself.

The bus driver had made it a habit when those bullies picked on me to pay my mom a visit…to inform her that I had started a fight with them… using the word “instigated" (because I was not knowledgeable enough yet to understand that word yet). Of course my mom believed him, to the point he could feed her any lie about me so that I would receive punishment.

I was fortunate that I was never suspended for any of my re-actions to bullies. If presented with a school suspension, I would have said “oh yeah, bring it. But know why I did what I did before you suspend me.”

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Suffice it to say, I was fed up with the lies and the bullying. I asked a middle schooler (Junior High back them) if I could sit with her or her sister in the next seat behind. They looked at each other and the one behind moved up to sit with her sister and they directed me to sit in the other seat at the aisle. (I normally chose window so I could see motion so as not to experience motion sickness.)

I was “green” and sick to my stomach from motion sickness due to being forced to sit in the rear of the bus. He saw that as “instigation!” I carried Tums with me in a little metal cylinder so I could settle my stomach.

After I stood up for myself, I did go on to defend others against bullies. Particularly the shy kids that were transferred from school to school growing up. I told the bullies that if they wanted to hurt the person I was defending that they'd have to go through me. I never had to lift a fist to any because my reputation was enough to convince them to stand down.

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I hadn't really planned my chosen spot, although years later I realized that the wall was in plain view of the principal's office. I am certain that the location had a lot of influence over the lasting results of the confrontation.

As for the bullying at school, the bully gang tried one more time. It was apparent because I had not targeted one of them that they were oblivious to my resolve to end their bullying. When they started, I ran to a spot of my choosing. Only the older leader followed me to bully me. But I faced him off, with my back to a wall, and said if he wanted to fight to bring it. “I won't hit someone with glasses" (although it was perfectly fine previously to grab said glasses and play keep away). “Alright, I can take them off (set glasses where I knew they wouldn't get broken). Now?” “I won't hit a girl.” “Alright! You remember that! Now leave me alone and don't mess with me again because I won't hesitate to hit you!”

They turned to talk with me (seat backs were much lower in those days, safety had not kicked in to raised the heights). They asked me if I wanted to put a halt to the bullying. I said, of course! They even double checked to make sure. “Well, what's the worst that can happen? I get an assigned seat at the front? I can handle that! I get punishment from mom? I get that regardless whether I start it or do nothing, so what's one more day of punishment? Let's do this!”

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Bus driver noticed the boy's tears … mind you we were back near the rear tires, almost to the very back of the bus. Pulls off road to shoulder and walks back to resolve the conflict. “Did she punch you?” “No she pinched me.” “Did you punch him?” “No I pinched him.” Then to the two sisters, “did she punch him?” “No she pinched him.” “Alright, you know where to go. Get your stuff and sit in that front seat so I can see you.” I complied.

Even though I was assigned that seat for the remaining of the school year and received punishment from mom, I never had to put up with the bus ride bullying again, nor any further false accusations. The bus driver had to tell my mom that I was being a good girl on the bus because no one was allowed to sit with me unless they too had been assigned to that seat. I enjoyed my bus rides because I could see the motion and not get sick from having it blocked from view.

Middle school (Junior High) was another story. Most left me alone, but there was one boy who my mom believed had a crush on me. Mom constantly told me to “be nice to him.” Well, I didn't have any reasons at first to be anything but nice, however, when he proved he was not going to listen to my words, I had to rethink my approach with physical enforcement, or the perceived threat thereof. It mostly worked, but ultimately did result in an altercation that left his emotional ego quite sore and his shins bruised. He got the message: I only give one warning, then it's fair game.

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As for mom, she believed the lie and continued to do so even up to a few years before she passed. I informed her that she definitely remembered it incorrectly because the lie was NOT mine, it was the bus driver's lie. And the bus driver had passed away some years prior. Although I would never have said anything to him about how he treated me, I would have most certainly given him a piece of my mind if he had said something to me.

I was brought up with that same philosophy, never start, okay to end. I was bullied in elementary school and on the hour long bus ride home by the same group of boy bullies. The bullies all lived near each other in another part of the neighborhood, not far from where our bus driver lived.

A boy asked to sit with me, and they indicated for me to let him. He was a neighbor to the bully gang, but not an official bully member. Although he did hang out with them, he never really did anything to me. The girls explained that I should pinch him, and little girl pinches hurt! Especially when done right. By about halfway from the school to our rural neighborhood community, I had the boy in tears. He said he wouldn't retaliate because he was taught not to hurt a girl. Fair enough.

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